Too tired to be a good mom...

Welcome back to my blog. I would like to share something that I've experienced yesterday. It might help ...or maybe you can just stop beating yourself up about feeling guilty, that you are not a good person or mom and you are failing.. Ready for this? Ok.

My son has been teething lately. It's been few days already. When it was the first day and second, I'm still calm and can take care of his needs and mine. Sleep deprivation is still manageable. Third day is getting worse and the 4th day, you are loosing your mind already. Like I have.. What to do? Well..

He wants my camera here..

I was trying to breath through it, I was trying to just give myself some space. But the more I was trying to get away from him and give myself some space, the more he was following me like a shadow and wouldn't let me even breath on my own. I was truly loosing it.
He wouldn't even fall asleep, until the third time I tried to put him down. Glued to my boob, that is becoming pretty sore from him sucking too hard, because he is teething.
The whole time of his sleep, he was glued to me, wouldn't let me go. I really needed some time for myself. Just to meditate. Even 5minutes would be great.

He finally lets go an hour and 15minutes after being glued to my boob. I sneak out of the room, hoping that I will finally have some time to decompress and meditate. When I come out of the bedroom, the kitchen is mess, the living room is a mess. So before sitting down for a short meditation, I have to clean up a little bit. I cannot relax in such a mess. I'm cleaning. The kitchen is pretty good in few minutes, so I start picking up some toys in the living room. Almost done, feeling like I can finally sit down and meditate. And in that moment, I hear his "slapping" hands against the floor, crawling out of the bedroom towards me. In that moment, I felt like in a horror scene, when you are totally exhausted, trying to get away from the monster and when you feel like you are safe and got away, the monster just creeps out behind your back and got you. I lost it. I felt like I will start crying..

I thought that he is hungry, which he was, so I put him in his seat and gave him food and started cleaning dishes. He wasn't happy and started being fussy about eating as well and wanted me to hold him. I couldn't. I lost it. Put him down and just left him there on the floor.

I closed myself in a bedroom and he was crying hysterically behind the closed door. I couldn't let him cry like that.. But as soon as I opened the door, he would hang on me... But when you are loosing it, the last think you wanna do is to hug them. You feel like it's their fault that you aren't feeling good and you want to get away from them.
I feel like it's a great metaphor with our emotions in general. The more we are trying to get away from them, the more they are "hunting" us.
I realized, that the only thing he wants is to be held. I picked him up and held him. Sat on the couch, holding him in my arms and felt tears coming down my cheek. He was holding me back. So happy, looked at me and holding me back. I felt peace finally. Looked at our picture in the kitchen that says BREATHE, IT'LL BE OK and also JOYFULLY TOGETHER. I realized, when I stop trying to get away from the big "monster" in my head, it disappeared.

I'm very grateful for this experience. I apologized to my son and myself and since that moment, our day has been peaceful and good. I'm so grateful for my hubby and his support and love.

What drives you crazy? Are you also loosing your mind sometimes? Let me know in the comments. And have yourself a wonderful day!

Warmly,

Barbora